people issues

I’m Sorry… I Didn’t Mean to Hurt You


I try to see the best in others, however, I’ve come to the conclusion there are some people in this world that are straight out evil. They find pleasure in hurting people or inflicting pain—maliciously and selfishly asserting their control and power at the expense of others. Just watch the news.

For the rest of us, well… we have to sort our way out of a different dilemma. There are times when even though we may have good intentions and love others deeply, you and I will inadvertently hurt people—including those we care about the most. How can I be so sure? Because we’re human.

I was four years old and I’d just found my very own pet. We owned a family dog, but it wasn’t mine. Besides, I was a bit tentative around Shanny—probably having something to do with my dad (trying to be playful) lifting me up by my feet and allowing this over excited mutt to jump and lick my face while I screamed like a banshee. Don’t worry though, it’s all good now. As you can tell… I’m over it. I digress.

My new pet’s name: Wormy. Don’t look at me like that. Sure I could have named him something more macho like Butch, Eastwood, or Hulk, but I didn’t. I found him in the garden and brought him over to the cement porch in our back yard. It was in that glorious moment I made him my pet. I loved Wormy. He was wonderful and I was fascinated. I pet him with my finger to show him how much I cared and that’s when it happened. I must have pet too hard against the cement because I tore him apart and instead of one new pet, I now had two—writhing in pain and oozing God knows what.

I didn’t mean to kill him!

He’ll never see his family again.

How could I do this?

I betrayed his trust.

Why is his body still flailing after being torn apart?!

I was devastated and cried a deep cry. I think this is how most of us feel when we hurt others unintentionally. You know, those moments we realize we affected someone’s life negatively and there’s no one else to blame. So how does one pick up the pieces and mend an unintentionally broken relationship when we’ve hurt someone we love?

  1. Acknowledge that we hurt that person whether we intended to or not. This is where our pride will rise up because, of course, we want to defend our intentions. I’ve done this. I don’t intentionally mean to hurt my wife or family, but sometimes I do… by the things I say, the way I say it, or what I do. Often, I’m oblivious to their hurt until they tell me. It’s at that moment I can either defend myself or acknowledge their feelings. Unintentionally hurting someone is hurting them none the less. It’s never an easy thing for me to admit because I really don’t like the version of me that hurts the people I love. But the simple fact is I do. We do. If we want to move forward in our relationships, we need to let our walls down and acknowledge the pain we’ve caused.
  2. Let the person you hurt know how you feel. If you honestly didn’t mean to hurt someone, then say so. Further explain that even though you didn’t intend to hurt them, you still feel horrible for doing so. They can’t read your mind and as long as you are authentic and sincere, it will be comforting for them to know we actually do care. The two halves of Wormy saw my tears and heard my intentions and heartbreak. Unfortunately, that was one relationship I severed beyond repair.
  3. Make things right. This is the next step that makes an apology genuine and acceptable to most people. Once they know you didn’t mean to hurt them and that you feel awful for doing so, people still want to know how will you make it right in order to repair the relationship. This could be something as simple as a loving gesture or as complex that it requires tremendous effort and time to heal. Regardless, it shows that you are interested in continuing that relationship and making it a priority. This could mean making a concerted effort to be more mindful the next time around, committing to get some professional help in an area of compulsive behavior, an offer to buy lunch and talk things through, or maybe even putting two halves of a worm in the ground for a proper burial.

Together, let’s strive to put others before ourselves and live the kind of life that heals the broken, even if we are to blame.

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. (Philippians 2:1-3)

Have you ever found out that you unintentionally hurt someone? Share your story below. If it has been a beneficial read, would you consider sharing it with others on your social network?

photo credit: piers nye  cc — title added



Jesus Wants You to Stop Resisting Sin

Christians should stop resisting sin. A bit controversial I know, but frankly I’m tired of seeing the people I care about wrestle with the intense and forceful temptations that claw for their soul. From the fall of Adam sin has been in our nature. Where was sin just before Cain killed his brother? At the door—knocking… pounding… anxious to come inside (Gen 4:7). Resisting sin makes the noise in our head and the angst in our soul echo all the louder. Why? Because when there is a vacuum in our souls the emptiness yearns to be filled.

Smoking can be a difficult habit to break. Although nicotine cravings only physically stay within the body for about five days, the random urge to smoke can last a lifetime. The reason for this is that it’s a habit set into motion by a trigger—like a time you would typically take a short break from work, stress, or anxiety. A friend of mine told me how he quit smoking: “Instead of lighting a cigarette, I would suck on a blow pop. It tasted better… AND I got gum at the end.” Fairly insightful, no?

Jesus said it this way…

When an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert, searching for rest. But when it finds none, it says, ‘I will return to the person I came from.’ So it returns and finds that its former home is all swept and in order. Then the spirit finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they all enter the person and live there. And so that person is worse off than before. —Luke 11:24-26 (NLT)

Many Christians are losing the battle against sin and temptation because they are trying to resist while they still have a vacuum inside. The Bible tells us to resist the devil and he will flee… but not before we submit to God (James 4:7). We are to be filled with the Spirit which, in turn, leaves no room for the enemy.. even if he makes a good case to enter our lives.

Imagine an airplane packed to capacity and someone runs up and says they need to get on the plane because it would make everyone on the plane feel better or less stressed. Considering they were telling the truth… would that really be such a bad thing considering the handful of sweaty first-time flyers nervously talking to the person trying to read next to them?!

“I need to get on the plane so everyone can relax.”

“Sorry, sir, there’s no more room.”

“Please… please let me on. It will make people feel better.”

“Nope… no room.”

“LET. ME. ON!”

“Sorry. Go home now.”

When the vacuum of the human soul is filled with the presence, peace, and love of God, even if we desperately want to give in, we can’t. There is simply no room for the devil. The only way sin can creep in is if we leave the door open, unlocked, or unattended (something I will expound on in another blog).

So, Christian, my advice is this: stop resisting and start replacing. Let your life be so full of God that there’s no room for sin. Go to church, get involved, do daily devotions, listen to music that brings glory to God, think on the cross, meditate on God’s goodness, memorize scripture, nurture healthy relationships, fill the void that the enemy wants to fill. When you start replacing your sinful habits with Godly ones, God will begin to fight your battles for you. You’ll still need to keep your guard up (Eph 5:13, Prov 4:23), but when you turn your energy towards the things of God, He will exponentially multiply your resistance.

So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. —Galatians 5:16 (NLT)

For further study, read and meditate on Galatians 5.

I love to hear feedback from my readers. If you agree, disagree, or can add to this topic in any way, I want to invite you to share your thoughts in the comment section below. If it has been a beneficial read, would you consider sharing it with others on your social network?

*Photo credit by Bahi P under CC License. Title added.

The Parable of the Plug

If you have ever been to my house, you might have noticed the small little “coffee nook” we have. Actually, I think it was meant to be a desk area, but that wouldn’t work for more reasons than one, so a coffee nook it became. For close to five years this nook has seen plenty of action and served us well during times of fellowship, Bible studies, and entertaining friends—providing a gathering spot for those late nights where good times demanded a little extra caffeine.

If you looked close enough in the corner of the nook you will find a single plug that once supplied the power to our coffee brewer. This little guy worked hard for several years as our church grew from our living room to where we are today. He was an important and necessary conduit that for all practical purposes helped launch a church. He was faithful. He didn’t complain about the late nights that we asked him to put in. He had a purpose and we used him often.

One day, our plug decided to hold some things in. It started slowly. Little by little he began to not put as much energy and commitment into his ministry. He started to hold onto some of the energy meant to freely flow through him. He started to get hot when we tried to use him. We should have seen the signs, but for whatever reason we didn’t. We were busy trying to go after the vision and thought we were all on the same page. We had no idea the little guy was holding back, not letting go of some things, and getting hot all about it.

Eventually this type of behavior led to the plug’s destruction. It stopped the flow of that which he was designed to transfer and caused him to overheat, which eventually led to a meltdown (literally). He became dangerous and destructive to all those around him, even melting the cord closest to him. Therefore, we had to stop using him. We didn’t want to, but to do so would put too many people at risk.

Where is the plug now, you ask? Oh, he still hangs out isolated in the corner of the nook. The fellowship he once helped foster and encourage has moved on though. To this day, he still can’t seem to let go of some things although he has cooled off. He often still thinks about the good ol’ days, but his pride won’t allow him to let go of the past—his plastic is too warped and hard. So there he sits … alone, melted, and unusable.

Note: This parable was inspired by an illustration I shared in a recent message on Ephesians 6:10 and how it was written in the context of relationships.